The end of a calendar year is always a time of scheduled reflection. We look back at the joys and sorrows of the year, the triumphs and the defeats, the ups and the downs. The year 2008 has brought me so much joy and so much frustration all at the same time. I'm also left to reflect upon previous years and all their joys and sorrows, mistakes and lessons learned, friends made and friends lost. There is a lot I could have, should have, would have done differently...but didn't. I'm glad I didn't though because it has made me who I am today. I view life through the contact lenses belonging to a 26 year old me (soon to be 27-eeks). I've learned that even when I didn't realize or acknowledge it God was there guiding me and those around me to become the me I am today. The me I am today has a lot of empathy and compassion for others. .oO(I've had it for longer than today, but you get the idea.) I heard this song probably about a month ago by Carrie Underwood entitled "This is Just a Dream". Every time I hear it my heart clenches, I get goosebumps, and I nearly cry. Why? Because of all that empathy and the fact that this is every military wife's worst dream...attending the funeral of the man she loves and being handed that folded flag. I have attended two military funerals in my lifetime that I remember) for men who were near and dear to me. One funeral was for a man I thought I would marry some day, although we had broken up when he passed away unexpectedly. I watched and cried as the folded flag was passed to his mother. When it was time for those final gun shots to ring out I felt like my heart surely must be shot and sobbed a little harder as each one fired. .oO(To this day my heart hurts when I hear the 21 gun salute-whether it is a ceremony or funeral. I find it odd that Dave's first job in the USMC was to perform that salute.) The second funeral was for the first man's father. Again, I cried as the flag was passed over and cringed as the guns were fired. My heart hurts any time I hear about anyone losing a loved one. I remember what it was like to lose someone who was so close...and yet even they weren't as close as others in my life right now. Anyhow, I finally watched the video to this song b/c every time I heard it driving down the road (nearly crying, but unwilling to turn the station) I wondered what the video must be like. If you clicked the song title link then you already know. I was a teensy bit disappointed that they decided to make it a 50's style video when this is a story I know many American women have faced in recent years as well. I had imagined all sorts of other things, but I won't say I'm unhappy with it either. Every time I hear this song I am reminded to pray for those currently deployed and their loved ones silently serving at home. I'm also reminded to pray for those who have lost loved ones and are grieving for all the things that will never be.
Another situation that has been on my mind the past two days has to do with losses as well. Sunday we learned a friend of Dave's from Junior High, Mallory, had passed away in a car accident. She was just 22 yrs old and the proud mother to two very young children. One child crawled from the car with only minor cuts and the other was still in ICU the last I heard with much more serious injuries. I'm sad for the family left behind and the children who will now grow up with only stories of their mother instead of her. I know God has a plan for this family and these children. Still, it makes my heart hurt. Added to the situation is another friend of Dave's who lost a sister in a car accident several years ago. Mallory was a mutual friend of Dave and this other friend. The car accident has reopened all those old wounds and the grief over the loss of her sister. It makes my heart hurt for her, but it also makes me pray for her and pray for Mallory's family too that God's plan will be realized through this loss and the opening of those wounds. If only hugs really fixed everything I would go around hugging everyone.
So, back to my reflections on 2008...
I've learned that even though I constantly want and wish for something else what I really have at the moment isn't bad. It is funny how time and experience changes things. When we lived in DC I liked our apartment alright, but thought we could surely have more room. We moved to NC and had a two story townhouse. Seemed like more room at first...but I was soon missing my DC apartment. I still do in fact. Just the other night Dave said "I wish we could have our DC apartment back" and I chimed in "yeah, me too." .oO(And yet I know I wouldn't feel quite the same about it if we moved back there.) Now that I'm limited to a guest room in AL my two story townhouse with only two very small closets sounds wonderful. Yet, I'm certain that in the future I'll look back on this time and wish I could go back.
I've learned that even though I move to new places and meet new people, some people will always be my friends. I may not talk to them as often as I'd like or see them nearly enough, but no matter they will always be there for me. And I've learned that sometimes friends are just as close to you as family.
I've learned that sometimes you can learn something from someone else easier than from your mom. (I love you mom.) My Mom tried to teach me how to sew (although I was always afraid to use her sewing machine and she was afraid for me to use it too) and I managed to create Dave's Christmas stocking, but the lesson didn't really stick. Maja has been teaching me how to smock and how to sew a bit. For some reason the lessons are sticking a little better than before. Maja even let me use her fancy sewing machine that is waaay smarter than me. I'll have to post a picture of my recent creation made at an all day sewing lesson with Maja, Melody, Michelle, and Melody's mother (whose name I have forgotten). The lessons have renewed my interest in sewing and I received some lovely sewing staples for Christmas...like straight pins, a pin cushion, a seam ripper (a perfect gift since I am a perfectionist), and some fabric scissors. I think I might like to purchase a sewing machine...and then I think it might be a big dust collector too.
I've learned that depending on a husband for certain things doesn't mean you can't do it yourself, just that it is nice to have someone to share your life with. Dave's deployment reminded me that I had not lost my independence by marrying him (which in some ways I did, but not in the ways that mattered), but I had gained someone to share the joys and sorrows of my life. I also realized just how much I had depended on him for certain things and how much I truly missed having him around when he was gone. I could indeed survive while he was gone, but I was overjoyed when he came home.
I've learned that a packing log is an invaluable tool to finding things once you have moved. I've also learned that sometimes you might want to make that packing log a little more detailed than you originally thought. Especially if your stuff will be sitting in storage for any length of time. "Shoes" and "more shoes" are great log details if you might only be storing it for a month or so..but 6 months later it is hard to remember which box you put the nice sling back black heels into (once you remember you own them to begin with) and you have to open both boxes only to find they must be in some other box...perhaps the one labeled "bags and a few shoes." When we finally move into our own place it is going to be like Christmas all over again discovering what exactly might be in each box.
I've learned you can have a plan...but God may have a different one. So I'm praying and trying and waiting and wondering what God's plan will be for 2009. I'm also rejoicing that Dave is here with me to share in the waiting.
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