I Don't Have to Be in Control

For about a month now I have been attending a Wednesday night Bible study, called "Twisted Sisters, at the fabulous church Mr. & Mrs. Bivins attend (the in-laws). I have had many amazing a-ha moments each Wednesday night. I sometimes get a headache with all the "Presbyterian lingo" that I am not accustomed to hearing as a member of Trinity Friends Church and then no church for a very, very, very long time. However, I always find something that makes me really think about exactly what I think, believe, and know about God. My mind and heart are sponges and I am soaking up the discussions!

We began our Bible study talking about "what is the Gospel" and "who is God" along with discussions about God's grace, which I hadn't really spent much time thinking about before. Tonight's lesson was the one that has made the most impact on me so far. It was entitled "what is wrong with us?" and reflected on the three words for sin in the Bible...which I hadn't heard before (or don't remember hearing) - Avah~twisted out of shape, Chatha~missing the mark, and Pasha~willfully rebel. We discussed what these kinds of sin look like in our lives, well others discussed and I soaked it up like a sponge. There were discussions about doing good works, but for the wrong reasons and how God isn't glorified if we're doing it for selfish reasons, a twisting out of shape. There were discussions about mothers and children and how mothers want to do well by their children, but some days it just isn't happening~a missing of the mark. There were also discussions about how we knowingly do things we know we shouldn't OR thinking we need to be in control instead of God~ willfully rebelling.

I am so guilty of willful rebellion lately. (I'm sure I'm guilty of each of the other types of sin too, but this one struck me the most.) I have been really questioning if we made the right decision to come to Alabama. It has been the toughest transition for us so far. I moved to DC and things happened as soon as I wanted them. I made the decision to not go to work right away there and instead spend time getting used to being a wife. As soon as I wanted a job *poof* I filled out the application and the job was in hand. We (Dave) received orders to Camp Lejeune. I filled out an online teaching application and *poof* before we even moved I had a job. The job was literally waiting on me to get there! We decided to move to Alabama and I began filling out teaching applications. Nothing. No word. One interview, but no job offer since I didn't have an Alabama teaching license yet. Alabama teaching licensure hoops to jump through. So I fill out retail applications. Waiting, more waiting. Finally a part-time job at Bath & Bodyworks again. Small twinkle of hope, but still not enough $ to support the two of us, plus the furbabies. All of these hurdles have been delaying our independence from the in-laws. We really want independence, we long for it (or at least I long for it...I can't really speak for Dave I guess.) Things aren't going the way I wanted them to go, I'm not in control...that's hard for me. I'm the one who always has things under control and I can't do this. Tonight I was reminded I'm not supposed to be the one in control, God is. If I let Him be in control, He will take care of me...he is taking care of me, just not the way I selfishly want him to do it.

Part of the realization that he is taking care of me and that we are where he wants us to be right now came when my smart cousin kindly reminded me to think of the blessings I do have right now. She reminded me of the Israelites wandering in the desert, they questioned but continued on their journey. I was reminded of that again tonight during Bible study. The analogy was presented of trust, trust in God that he will provide. He provided manna for the Israelites in the desert and they could only collect enough for the day b/c if kept overnight it would spoil and turn wormy...they had to trust that God would provide manna for them again the next day. So tonight I'm trusting that God will work it out and that I just need to let Him have control...

Side note: I LOVE the Community Presbyterian Church here. I have loved it from the moment I stepped foot into it over 3 years ago as the northern fiance of their Marine Dave. From that first visit God was at work on me (he was at work on me long before that...I guess I should say I was finally willing to listen). I had an a-ha moment that day as I realized that maybe what I had been taught about God and church wasn't the whole story. Each visit since then has reaffirmed that there is something special going on there. The people of that church really are a church family, for the good, the bad, and the ugly~they openly call themselves sinners (we all are) and don't make any excuses for it...they just get on their knees and repent. When Katie attended that church with us our first Sunday living in Alabama I think she felt it too. The following week she was driving home to Ohio and asked God for a sign about the direction of her life. He gave her a sign all right, a big one in the form of a broken down car and a rescue by a very humble, God worshiping couple.

Also, I love the people that go to this church. They have welcomed me with open arms and open hearts. I love them for it. The ladies threw us a gift card bridal/wedding shower since I couldn't be present for an actual shower. Each visit they are there to offer friendship, support, guidance, and love. I am so blessed to be attending this church, even if it is only on Wednesday nights right now.