Surviving - And I'm Ok With That

The title of this blog is surviving and right now that is good enough for me. I won't say I am happy, because my best friend is miles away across the ocean. However, I am surviving and trying to laugh, have fun, and enjoy time with "the girls". I haven't had much girl time lately and I realized while I was back home how much I truly missed it. I was able to spend lots of quality time with Katie and Maggie and I really enjoyed it. Also, this past Saturday we had a girls supper night that was a lot of fun. I got to talk with some other wives I already knew as well as got to know some of the other wives I didn't know. (Our little wives network had a social for the Key Volunteer wives in our unit.) Then after dinner I went to a gathering a teracher friend of mine had and laughed a lot. Laughter is good. I am a person who smiles a lot, but uses that smile to mask a lot of her woes. I need to work on laughing more and being truly happy, not just putting on my happy face.

There are good days and bad days in life and deployment life is no exception. I had some really hard days when I returned back to NC. In Ohio I was able to pretend that maybe he wasn't really gone and I was surrounded by my family and one of my bestest friends. When I arrived back in NC I had to go directly on base to a mtg. It was soooo hard to go to where the Marine barracks were and see another unit had taken over. All of the Marines I knew there were gone and someone else had come in to replace them. Plus, everywhere you go there are Marines. You can't escape it and it made me really wish that Bivins would come walking through that door and make a mess of my house again.

Today is a much better day though. I talked to him for a few minutes yesterday and bawled just because it was sooo good just to hear his voice. He doesn't feel so far away when we talk on the phone. He also called for a few minutes today when he unexpectedly ended up on land. I was so happy and didn't cry this time. I always feel bad for crying because he doesn't necessarily know why I am crying and I don't want him to worry about me more than necessary. He knows his wife is one tough cookie and has dealt with a lot, but he also knows that doesn't mean she is made of stone either. I love that he just wants to take care of me and I am learning to let him. I am surprised how much I have changed since marrying this wonderful Marine of mine. Previously, having someone to take care of me meant that I couldn't be independent and have a life of my own choosing. I am learning that having someone to take care of me is nice and it doesn't mean I can't do it on my own, just that I am lucky enough to have someone who wants to help me. I also have aquired new vocabulary, new hobbies (like rapelling, and shooting weapons), new friends, new feelings, new traditions, and many other things that have truly enriched my life. I can say I have found what true happiness is and wouldn't trade it for the world. I may be a cactus who is wishing that she had what that high maintenance flower has, but I am suriving until the water returns to my life. (I often talk to Marines about choosing girlfriends and wives...there are two types of girls: cacti and high maintenance flowers. Cacti are able to survive with a good watering now and then and be ok. High mainenance flowers require only certain amounts of sunlight, certain amounts of water, special soil, etc. Marines should marry cacti if they want their marraige to last if they are going to be a lifer.)

I will say that I think the physical distance between Bivins and I is stregthening our relationship if you can believe it. I have been reminiscing about the days when we lived 6 hrs away, me in Ohio and Bivins in DC. We really kept the relationship going with phone calls, letters, e-mails, and those monthly visits. Those letters and phone calls are what really helped me learn who my husband to be was and in return help him understand me. You have to rely on communication in a long distance relationship. I am continuing some old traditions we started in those "early days" (yeah only 3 years ago...) that were kind of pushed along the side of the road once we started living together. I am hanging on his every word when he calls and pestering him with questions. I am also writing to him nearly every day of what I am thinking, feeling, and doing. I can't just sit next to him on the couch in silence as we watch whatever movie we selected during dinner. This deployment has pushed the conversation back to the forefront of our marraige and I hope to remember when he returns to schedule some time just to talk and not get caught up in the daily grind as much as I did when he was home.

I have probably written enough at this point and need to get to work on some things for school. I have so much to do and such little time to do it.